An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"
A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He figured that the parents would think it was the dog. Every time he farted the young girl's parents told the dog to get off the couch and so the man kept going, finally he let rip and the parents finally told the dog to get off the couch before the man shit on him! A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."
