Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"
"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."
One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!"
The one nun said, "Well, we're dead and we can't go back." "Alright," said St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we'll accept you back into Heaven," exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun.
"Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun. "Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc." Poof!
The first nun becomes Joan of Arc. "Okay, You're next," as her looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?" "! ! Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun. Poof!
The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe. "Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean." "Excuse me?!?" confusingly asks St. Peter. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaims the nun. St. Peter replies, "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter.
"There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun. St. Peter takes the news article and read it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
